My early teen years were spent living in fear. In fact, they prepared me quite well for life in post 9-11 America, but at the time I wasn't scared of dirty bombs or ricin attacks on the subway. No, back when I was thirteen I had much greater fears. Would I really have to switch to wearing boxers, or should I tuck in all my shirts so other kids couldn't 'check?' Was I ever going to have the courage to try to kiss the girl I was 'going out with,' or would I be an awkward coward for the rest of my life? But the biggest fear I lived with was the fear that someday soon, my dad was going to say we needed to talk, sit me down, and start with, "when a man and a woman love each other very much..."

Oh, the birds and the bees talk, what a horrifying threat lies within you! While you mark an important rite of passage from child to puberty monster, you also mark the first time we have to sit down and allow our parents to wash wave after wave of shame and embarrassment over us. You haunt us, threatening to unfurl during any pregnant silence. Sooner or later we all have to suffer through you. Unless.....

Unless your parents spare you this embarrassment by skipping the conversation entirely, and avoiding any situations in which the conversations would have to occur. I guess that's why my dad never said, "Hey, why don't we listen to the second side of The Psychedelic Furs classic Talk, Talk, Talk. There's a track I think you should hear, and then we can talk about what the song means."

[ mp3 ]: The Psychedelic Furs - I Wanna Sleep With You

Um, yeah. So that was never blasting from my dad's speakers when I was growing up. And you know why? He RESPECTED me enough to avoid giving me THE TALK. He knew I didn't need to hear it from him. I had health class at school. And the internet was just starting up. If I had questions, there were other people and web addresses I could consult. Why ruin a Sunday afternoon with THE TALK?

(after all, we were suffering through the Eagles dark years - loss after loss with quarterbacks like Doug Pederson, Bobby Hoying, and the late Jim McMahon (is he dead?) So Sunday afternoons were already bad enough)

To this day, we've still never had the talk. (Although my Mom did say to me once, as I was going out the door, "no hanky panky now!" That's as far as it got.) So thanks Dad. Thanks for understanding. When my wife gets pregnant from accidentally wearing my bicycle shorts in the bathtub, and a baby comes out of her stomach, I'll be sure I give my kid the same amount of respect.

[mp3]: The Psychedelic Furs - Pretty In Pink

12/24/2009 12:46:21 pm

"When my wife gets pregnant from accidentally wearing my bicycle shorts in the bathtub, and a baby comes out of her stomach"

Haha...you killed me with that. Great write up. This was a big album for me in my middle school years. thanks for bringing it up.


Leave a Reply.